


Better off...

by DeadlyKittenKay (PrettyBlueIz)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Eileen/Sam, Everyone's depressive episodes are different, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, Past Lydia (Supernatural: Slice Girls)/Dean Winchester, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 19:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12613476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyBlueIz/pseuds/DeadlyKittenKay
Summary: Castiel is struggling with his own thoughts and feelings of self-worth. Dean doesn't help when there's a slip of the tongue that sends his husband into a downward spiral.





	Better off...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry ahead of time. a part of this was self-projecting on Castiel. As it was sparked by my own drive away from my husband who had made my depression worse with an off-handed comment. 
> 
> Please bear in mind that everyone is different. Despite what some may say, there is no handbook on how to think, act, or speak when you're depressed. And sadly for the families, there isn't one to tell them how to treat us. Everyone handles things differently and this is a work of fiction. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy this and remember that you are not alone and to always keep fighting (and if you need an ear, I'm always available [here](deadlyangelkay.tumblr.com))

“Why are you being such an asshole?” His husband's angry snarl rang in his ears as he pulled up to the 7-Eleven.

Castiel was floored when Dean, his loving almost too good to be true, husband of seven years, shouted the question at him. Dean, who normally saw when the storm clouds were building before Castiel had a chance to realize they were there. Dean, who was so much more attuned to Castiel's inner thoughts, just completely missed the mark.

It wasn't that he was being an asshole. He was being realistic. Ever since Castiel had lost his job, effectively cutting out a huge chunk of his families income, their benefits, their livelihood, he had been questioning everything. He questioned Dean's happiness with him. The solidity of their marriage, hell even if they had done the right thing by adopting Jack and taking over custody of Dean's daughter Emma.

He had begun to question his own existence. Sometimes those thoughts would stray to a darker subject, but he was usually pretty good at pushing those away. But today he couldn't.

“That'll be seven-forty,” the clerk said. Castiel pulled a ten from his wallet, placing it on the counter as he grabbed the pack of menthols and headed to the door.

Maybe everyone would be better off without him, he thought as he went through the robotic motions of packing the cigarettes and sliding back into the driver's seat of his SUV. Dean and the kids would be alright. Dean had such a large extended family that they would help him with the kids. And with Sam there, Castiel was pretty sure that before long, he would be just a bitter taste in Dean's mouth. No more than a passing “what the hell was I thinking?”

And Eileen, Jody, and Donna would be there to help. Making sure that the kids got more than greasy diner food. That Emma would take care of her braces, that Jack would take his baths. That homework was done and prayers were said. Everything that Castiel wouldn't be able to do anymore.

With the slow burn of inhalation of the menthol, Castiel wondered about his own family. He knew he could go to Gabriel. Gabe would understand. Or at least try to. And he would respect his wishes to be alone. But then Castiel thought of the pitting looks in his brother's light amber eyes. The way that Gabe would denounce all things Winchester to Castiel's face, thinking that was what he'd want but sneak off to play with his niece and nephew. Or hide when on the phone with Dean, giving him an update.

No, Castiel thought as he backed out of the parking lot and headed east, away from the comforts he once called home. He couldn't go to Gabe.

There were Michael and Anna. He supposed he could always try to go see them, but he never did feel welcomed or wanted in their household. Michael, while never fully saying it, looked down at Castiel. And Anna, sweet Anna, would always have that hidden look of betrayal, especially when Dean was near.

No, he couldn't go to them.

Essentially, Castiel had no one. No one that he could talk to. That he could confess his thoughts too without being judged or told how he should feel. No one that would just listen. Listen to the broken thoughts of a broken man.

This is where he generally tried to stop his thoughts. But it was with that one last thought and the memory of his oldest sisters -- Naomi and Hester -- yelling at him, calling him defective and useless, a shame to their family, that he wondered if maybe he should have died all those years ago.

What if Dean was never the one to come that accident? Had he not been on the ambulance that responded first? Would Castiel be here? Or would he have been returned to the earth? Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust.

Where would Dean be now? Would he have Emma? Would he have married that Lisa women after all? Would he have at least been happy?

Of course, he would have. He wouldn't have to worry about Castiel. About sleepless nights that he desperately needed in between shifts but couldn't get because Castiel's PTSD had taken over and sent him into night terrors. He wouldn't have to watch Castiel with that critical eye of his, wondering if today was the day he would get the call to his own house.

Castiel stubbed his third cigarette into the can of the half-drunk energy drink. Maybe he should just stop being a coward and face the music. End it all. Make it better by being gone. Permanently.

This, of course, made him wonder of which ways would be easier. Not for him. No. The numbness he felt had an uncanny way of doing that. He was more worried about what would be easier for the ones he left behind. After all, depending on who would be the one to actually claim his dead body would be the ultimate deciding factor.

Because if it were Gabe, Castiel was pretty sure that he would hate having to see gore. So, maybe for Gabe, pills would be better? But if it were Dean... Castiel's heart hurt to think that the last image Dean would maybe have from Castiel driving off the road or some other horrific way.

Castiel chuckled bitterly as he lit another menthol. Of course, when he is contemplating suicide, he would still find a way to make sure it doesn't isn't too hard on Dean.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean jumped when the door slammed. He expected it. After all, what else would you expect when you've just called your husband an asshole and he grabs his keys in a hurrying shouting for you not to follow him when you try to.

Dean sighed and shook his head. Castiel just needed space. He's had a rough go of it the past couple of weeks. Dean's not dumb. He knows that his husband had been putting on a brave face for their family but he also knows that Castiel was hurting.

And it's not like he knows this because Castiel has been forthcoming with the knowledge. No, if anything, the most that Castiel has said to him, outside of the usual family instructions, was that he had lost his job and that it was not of import.

Clearly, it was important to Castiel. Dean knew how much Cas loved his job. Working with the teens always made Castiel happy, even when there were harder cases for him. Ones that hit a little too close to home, Castiel would still beam when he walked through the door. Saying how he helped and how great he felt about it.

Dean shook his head again, putting the last dish in the dishwasher and looking at the clock. Eileen would be dropping the kids off soon so he needed to focus on that.

The strange thing about trying not to worry about something and focus on other things is that it makes the one thing you do not want to worry about, be the foremost thought in your mind. Especially when your children have seemed to pick up on it.

Dean was trying his best to keep the kids calm and stick to their routine. He sat Emma at the table to do her homework and Jack in his highchair with strawberries and one of the candies he had gotten trick or treating. At first, everything was normal. Emma complained about doing her math work while Jack told a story using the broken words he knew. But then when Dean checked his phone for the third time in the last thirty minutes, that's when the mood shifted.

Jack threw his candy at Dean and started to scream for Cas. Jack wasn't prone to temper tantrums unless provoked or scared. And since his recent discovery of nougat-filled candies, he never turned his nose at it. And Emma started asking where Cas was. He always helped her with her homework and yet he wasn't there. When Dean tried to explain that he had to go out for a bit, she too, started to have a meltdown.

Dean had sent several messages to Castiel. Each one went unread and unanswered. It wasn't until he was holding a screaming Jack on his hip that he tried to call his husband. He needed to apologize and they all needed him home. Only when Dean hears the line ring through the phone does he hear the familiar ringtone sound from the other room.

Son of a bitch, Dean thought shaking his head. Of course in his haste to get away from Dean, Cas had forgotten his phone. So, Dean did the only other thing he could think of. He called in reinforcements.

Two hours had passed and Dean still hasn't heard anything from his husband. He was already worried but this was putting him into a near panic. It wasn't like Cas to be gone from home this long, especially without his phone. And even when he didn't have his phone, he still found a way to contact Dean.

And the worried looks that Gabriel and both Eileen and Sam were giving him, were not helping the situation any.

“Do you really think it's wise to have Benny check the John Does?” Sam asked when Dean had mentioned doing just that.

“If he was in an accident and doesn't have his phone with his emergency contact info, yes!” Dean all but shouted.

“He has his ID and his emergency card in his wallet,” Sam tried to reason. Dean ignored him as he paced behind the couch, giving him a clear view of the street in front of the house as well as the front door.

“Why hasn't he come home,” Dean asked, his voice so soft and broken. Eileen read the words on his lips and rushed to hold her brother-in-law.

“I'm sure Cassie's fine. Just needed to blow off steam.” Gabe offered.

“But what if-” Eileen covered his mouth with her hand and shook her head.

“Dean, have faith in Cas,” Sam said before clapping his brother on the shoulder and going to check on the kids.

Eileen had managed to get Dean to sit down with her on the couch. She wrapped her arm around his own and held his hand between her own. “Tell me something about you two,” she suggested.

Dean let out a sad chuckle. “You know everything about us sis.”

She shook her head and Gabe agreed with her. “I know, he suggested. Tell us when you knew you were in love with my little bro.”

“That's easy,” Dean said without hesitation

~*~*~

_February 2010_

Dean watched as his boyfriend entered the room. He was nervous about today's meeting but he knew it had to be done. Dean smiled at the bouquet of flowers in Castiel's hand, brightly colored flowers with a little sign declaring “It's A Girl!”.

Dean walked over to him, wanting to give him a kiss but could tell that Castiel would not be okay with it. “Thanks for coming, Cas,” he said softly and meaning every word.

“Of course,”Castiel looked at him as if it was strange for Dean to think otherwise.

Dean took Castiel's free hand in his and brought him over towards Lydia where she laid in the hospital bed with the bundled new born in her arms.

“Lydia, you remember my boyfriend, Cas,” he asked.

Lydia looked up at both of them and smiled although Dean noticed it reach her eyes as Castiel dropped his hand and stepped away slightly.

“Of course. Good to see you Castiel.”

“You too. Congratulations,” Castiel motioned to the sleeping baby. “Dean told me you had a girl,” he explained holding the flowers up.

Lydia chuckled. “We did. Her name is Emma Mary Winchester.” She positioned little Emma so she could pull the blanket away for Cas to see.

Cas took the invitation and stood closer to the bed. “She's beautiful,” he breathed in awe.

“Yeah she is,” Dean agreed. “Do you want to hold her,” Dean asked excitedly.

Castiel straightened up and glared at Dean but before he could say anything Lydia answered. “That's actually a great idea. I have to use the restroom and rather then call a nurse, Dean can help me.”

Dean took his queue and reached out to grab the baby. “Take a seat, Cas.” He suggested nodding his head to the recliner he had used as a bed the night previously.

Castiel sat down stiffly, awaiting further instructions. As Dean gently placed the baby in his arms, he listened to what he said about supporting her tiny head and to relax. Once he was sure Cas and Emma were okay he moved to help Lydia up.

Dean could hear Cas whispering to his daughter and it made his heart feel as if it would burst. He was so damn lucky that Castiel was willing to work past this. As much as he regretted letting their fight get to him in the way that it did, ending them and leading Dean to the bar in which he met Lydia; he did not regret Emma and this moment.

Once Lydia was done and back in bed, Castiel offered to bring Emma back, but Lydia refused. Asking Dean to take over the next feeding so that she could sleep. Dean readily agreed and pulled a chair close to Cas and his daughter.

Dean was surprised to see that Emma was awake and not fussing. What he wasn't surprised to see was her looking up at Cas, who was still softly talking to her as if she understood every word he said. Her little plush lips, much like Dean's, formed a small O shape as she watched Castiel. Dean smiled when Castiel reached with his index finger to brush along her cheek forcing Emma to respond by pushing her tongue around before grasping Castiel's finger in her small, dainty hand.

“She really is beautiful, Dean,” Cas said softly. He looked up to Dean with his endless blue eyes and all the hurt and anger he had seen there in the last nine months was gone. In its place was a look of wonder and what Dean had hoped was love, because, he sure as hell felt that way about Cas. Dean couldn't help himself as he leaned forward to kiss Cas and smiled when he felt Cas return it.

~*~*~

_Present day_

“But you guys practically got engaged the next day,” Gabriel pointed out. “I would have thought you were in love longer than that.”

Dean shrugged. “I think Emma was the force that reminded me that I needed Cas and would be a shell of my former self without him.”

 _I think it's beautiful_ , Eileen signed making Dean smile.

“Dean!” A female voice full of urgency called from the front door. He turned to see Donna walking into the house, still in her uniform.

“Donna? What are you doing here,” he asked.

“Benny called Jodes when you called him. She's on patrol today so she was keeping an eye out for your husband and his car. She found him.”

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel's head hurt and his lungs ached. He was such a fool. And whats even worse is his car and his clothes smelled like an ashtray.

He scrubbed his hands over his face, the faint trace of tears still lingered on his cheeks. He debated on going to a motel for the night. Maybe he could get Sammy to meet him in the morning with fresh clothes and divorce paperwork.

But how callous would that be? Leaving Dean and hiring his brother as his divorce lawyer that was just -

His thoughts were interrupted when bright lights pulled up behind him. The car came to a stop but the lights never went off. Castiel jumped at the sound of a heavy door slamming. Maybe he wouldn't have to force Dean to leave him after all. Maybe fate was coming to collect the soul it should have taken years ago.

The doors on Castiel's Jeep unlocked and the passenger door opened up. Castiel sat in his seat wide-eyed, unable to process the fact Dean was now sitting next to him.

“You left your fob on my keys,” Dean explained holding his own set up then placing them on the dash. Castiel watched as his husband shifted in the seat to face him better before taking a deep breath. “Before we hash out whatever it is that's going on between us, I have to say that I'm sorry. You are going through something that I can't even begin to imagine how it feels. And I'm the asshole. Not you. You have every right to feel upset, to be sad... to every emotion that is troubling you. You don't need my validation for your emotions. And I'm sorry that I wasn't paying attention when you clearly needed me.”

“You didn't do anything wrong.”

“Seriously, Cas?” Dean picked up the half-smoked pack of menthols. “If I did nothing wrong then why did you leave? Why is there a half-empty pack of cigarettes when you quit five years ago? Why does your car smell like every seedy bar I've ever been too? And why are you sitting at the park,” Dean reach up and cupped Castiel's face with one hand as his thumb brushed aside the tears. “Crying in the dark, hiding from the very people who love you and need you.”

Castiel just blinked at him, unsure as to what to say.

“I _need_ you, Cas... Please believe that.”

Those magic words were exactly what Castiel needed to hear as the dam holding back everything collapsed. In a rush, he told Dean the circumstances in which he was let go from the county. How he had assaulted a parent who dared to strike their child in his office. He explained to Dean where his thoughts went over the week and how he wound up here, at the very park that Dean had proposed to him while they were taking little Emma out for some fresh air.

Most of all, he told Dean that he was scared. He was scared that he wasn't good enough for their kids. That he wasn't good enough for their extended family and most of all that he wasn't good enough for Dean.

And Dean listened. He bit back every comment he thought and let Castiel talk. He didn't correct him when Castiel partook in his negative self-talk. He didn't try to defuse the situation with humor. He just listened. He would wipe the tears from Castiel's face. Would stroke the fleshy part of his hand by the thumb. He did everything but the one thing Castiel feared most. Judge.

Dean didn't judge him for anything he said. Didn't judge him for anything he thought. Didn't even judge him for leaving.

Castiel wasn't sure how long they sat in the car. It wasn't until Castiel noticed that the lights of the car behind him were starting to leave. “Dean,” Castiel asked.

Dean smiled. “Sammy came out here with me. He's taking Baby back and I'm not coming home until you do.”

Guilt washed over Castiel and he shook his head. “No. No. No. You have to go home. You're on shift tonight. I shouldn't keep you. You need to rest.”

“I need my husband more,” Dean said simply.

“But you have Sam and Jody and Donna and Emma...” Castiel stopped talking when he noticed the displeased look on Dean's face.

“Yes, that's true. But they are your family too Cas. Don't you get it. I wouldn't be where I am without you. I wouldn't have a home that I can't wait to come to at the end of my shift. A house full of love, warmth, and laughter. I wouldn't have had the stones to go for custody therefore I wouldn't have my daughter. And I sure as hell wouldn't have Jack without you. Without you, Cas, I would be drunk and alone.”

Castiel didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything to that. He knew what Dean's life consisted of prior to their relationship. He had heard it several times from not only Dean himself, but from Sam as well. What could he say to that? So instead of saying something pointless, he just looked down at their joined hands, tracing his fingers along the silver band on Dean's hands.

“Do you really want to leave,” Dean asked, his voice was soft and vaguely reminded Castiel of seemed like another lifetime.

Castiel shrugged, suddenly feeling very worn down and heavy. “I thought you and the kids would be better off without me.”

“Are you kidding me? Cas, Jack had a meltdown of epic proportions tonight. He threw a musketeers bar at me.”

Castiel looked up at Dean to see the honesty in his eyes. “That doesn't sound like my little Jack.”

Dean's lips twitched at the hint of a smile. “Yeah, he was like the spawn of freaking Satan. Yelling and screaming for you. Kicking and flailing. It was bad, man.”

Castiel scowled at his husband. “Just because Lucifer is his biological father, does not make him Damian.”

Dean started laughing. It was soft a first, a gentle rumble in his chest and expanded into a loud boisterous laugh. Castiel always loved the way Dean looked when he laughed fully like he was in this moment.

“What,” he asked, feeling his own mouth curve into a smile at Dean's infectious happiness.

“I love how protective you are of our son. I love how my teasing turns you into an avenging angel, ready to smite me down for my blasphemous words.” Dean pulled Castiel's hand up to his lips and kissed the palm. “I love how you accepted Emma from day one. Perfectly content if all she ever called you was Cas. And how your face, even now, seven years later, lights up like a Christmas tree when she calls you Daddy.” He kissed the scar on Castiel's wrist. The one where glass had sliced through the delicate skin when his arm broke through the window during the accident. “I love the way you watch me when you think I don't know it. As if I'm some sort of puzzle and you're trying to understand me better. Or the way you say my name first thing in the morning. Soft and breathless, as if it was the last thing you thought of before falling to sleep.” Dean then kissed Castiel's wedding band, watching his reaction with bright green eyes before slowly lowering it to his lap.

“Most of all, Castiel, I love you.”

Castiel launched himself at Dean, apologizing when his head hit Dean's jaw as he tried to hold on to his husband and bury his face into his shoulder. Dean chuckled and wrapped his arms tightly around his middle, trying his best to pull him closer but failing because of the center console.

“I know saying I love you and I'm sorry won't make things better overnight. But I mean every word, Cas. Whatever it takes to make you come back to me. To make you come home. To make you happy. I'll do it. Just tell me how, babe.” Dean said to Castiel's dark hair before pressing his lips to it.

“This.” Castiel sobbed, emotions running wild within him again. “This is a perfect start.”

They held each other for what felt like hours and finally when Castiel felt like he couldn't keep his eye open any longer, he and Dean traded seats. Castiel fell asleep almost the moment Dean started the SUV, with their hands interlocked.

Dean was right when he said that this one conversation wasn't going to magically fix things. There was so much darkness tainting Castiel's thoughts but Dean had made it his mission to show his husband every day how much he was needed and loved.

Castiel did his part as well. He had started to get therapy and began to partake in things that made him happy while the house was quiet. During the day when the weather was agreeable, he started a small garden with season prevalent vegetation and herbs. Dean wanting to encourage his husband, built him a small greenhouse that would help him in the colder seasons.

Castiel also spent more time with the kids. Volunteering to help with Emma's class and only having Jack in daycare on the days that Castiel was needed for other things. Castiel had begun little cooking lessons with the kids and soon on the weekends – especially when Dean was off – they would have a family cook-off, where Cas and the kids would go against Dean and Sam. Eileen, as well as, Jody and Donna, even Benny, loved to come over and be guest “judges”.

As the months passed, things were getting better and when Castiel was offered his job back at the county, Dean had worried that this would possibly trigger Castiel into another episode knowing the pressure he would undoubtedly put on himself. And Dean supported his husband's decision to go back but only at a part-time capacity.

They were taking it day by day. And with each new day was a promise for a better one.

 


End file.
